a night. a heartbroken night.

in order to stop my brother from making loud noises when he bathe, i have to stand guard outside the bathroom everyday for one hour..

but i guess today, the threshold is reached.

i broke down.

he was so noisy that i have to force him to open the door (i'm not a pervert), and cane him to make him quiet. i was realli angry at first, but when i saw him rubbing his arm where i hit him, and saw the cane marks, my eyes started to water. wat they call 打在他身上，痛在我心里。it's not tt i like to inflict pain on him, but sometimes it's realli needed to keep him under control. seeing him look at the cane marks on his arm onli make it more painful for me.

but the next moment, he starts to make noise again. so what am i supposed to do? like i say, sometimes caning is needed, and my so-called attitude is also needed to control him.

it never fails to remind me of the point on attitude whenever i get angry at my brother..

我所流的泪，谁明白是为什么？my mum may just think that i'm not being understanding.. fine. i always feel that my brother is somehow responsible for what happened to my relationship, and sometimes i realli hate him so, but i can't tell my mum, she wun understand..

being denied to explain the situation despite my desperate attempts, u noe how does tt feel? how hurting it is? knowing myself, it will continue to get to me until the day i attain eternal rest, so it may be beneficial to me if tt day comes quickly？frankly i'm hoping the 2012 prediction is accurate.

what if i knelt down in front of u and looked at u when we talked at the park opposite your hse that april nite? what if i "pestered" u more before u "moved on"? i realli hate that feeling of u not understanding what i'm trying to say.

i compromised.. tried to be friends with u, contacted u thru email, and then? u stopped replying, claiming that u r busy, and yet i see u playing on facebook and stuff..

am i not worth taking a little time off those things to communicate with?

last week i managed to catch him on facebook chat, wanted to confront him abt the situation between us, but can't bring it up the first time, so we talked abt v mundane stuff.. but a few days later i confronted him with the question, but quickly got offline becoz i'm scared of what the ans might be. told him to gimme a reply no matter what the ans is, but i did not get any. i'm quite sure that he saw my question.

and he still dare to say that he is not an escapist. one day i'm gg to put on my facebook status， “no matter how u escape, u r still an escapist".. did he realise that the more he escape from me, the more he is not escaping from me. i just want things to be definite, to continue our own paths or to still keep in contact, can't he just ans that qn and not leave things hanging there?

in my mind, i can only think of two reasons why is he escaping from it. it can either be becoz he feel so disgusted abt me that he doesn't want to care abt me, or.... for u to fill in the blanks.

i did wonder, do i realli still love him? i wasn't sure until one night when i accidentally recalled what happened one year ago, recalling what he wrote in an sms to me:

"during this time we will grow out of our feelings for each other.."

tears dropped the moment those words entered my mind. a feeling so deep, how is it possible that u say grow out of it den will be able to grow out of it? it realli saddens me alot.

grow out of our feelings.. :'(

i was thinking of getting out of the hse and go somewhere, perhaps a hotel, to stay so that i dun have to face my brother and feel so stressed abt things..

will u still offer to put me up at your hse and cook maggi mee for me, like how u did when my dad locked me out of the door one day after work, before we got tgr?

who knows, mebbe another gal is already lying on his bed. this sentence may seems insulting, but this is how i feel.. who knows? this is my blog. i write what i want. but of coz.. this is the one thing that i dun want to see..

i'm tired, i want rest.

will u pls let me explain it？please...

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