a night. a heartbroken night.

in order to stop my brother from making loud noises when he bathe, i have to stand guard outside the bathroom everyday for one hour..

but i guess today, the threshold is reached.

i broke down.

he was so noisy that i have to force him to open the door (i'm not a pervert), and cane him to make him quiet. i was realli angry at first, but when i saw him rubbing his arm where i hit him, and saw the cane marks, my eyes started to water. wat they call 打在他身上，痛在我心里。it's not tt i like to inflict pain on him, but sometimes it's realli needed to keep him under control. seeing him look at the cane marks on his arm onli make it more painful for me.

but the next moment, he starts to make noise again. so what am i supposed to do? like i say, sometimes caning is needed, and my so-called attitude is also needed to control him.

it never fails to remind me of the point on attitude whenever i get angry at my brother..

我所流的泪，谁明白是为什么？my mum may just think that i'm not being understanding.. fine. i always feel that my brother is somehow responsible for what happened to my relationship, and sometimes i realli hate him so, but i can't tell my mum, she wun understand..

being denied to explain the situation despite my desperate attempts, u noe how does tt feel? how hurting it is? knowing myself, it will continue to get to me until the day i attain eternal rest, so it may be beneficial to me if tt day comes quickly？frankly i'm hoping the 2012 prediction is accurate.

what if i knelt down in front of u and looked at u when we talked at the park opposite your hse that april nite? what if i "pestered" u more before u "moved on"? i realli hate that feeling of u not understanding what i'm trying to say.

i compromised.. tried to be friends with u, contacted u thru email, and then? u stopped replying, claiming that u r busy, and yet i see u playing on facebook and stuff..

am i not worth taking a little time off those things to communicate with?

last week i managed to catch him on facebook chat, wanted to confront him abt the situation between us, but can't bring it up the first time, so we talked abt v mundane stuff.. but a few days later i confronted him with the question, but quickly got offline becoz i'm scared of what the ans might be. told him to gimme a reply no matter what the ans is, but i did not get any. i'm quite sure that he saw my question.

and he still dare to say that he is not an escapist. one day i'm gg to put on my facebook status， “no matter how u escape, u r still an escapist".. did he realise that the more he escape from me, the more he is not escaping from me. i just want things to be definite, to continue our own paths or to still keep in contact, can't he just ans that qn and not leave things hanging there?

in my mind, i can only think of two reasons why is he escaping from it. it can either be becoz he feel so disgusted abt me that he doesn't want to care abt me, or.... for u to fill in the blanks.

i did wonder, do i realli still love him? i wasn't sure until one night when i accidentally recalled what happened one year ago, recalling what he wrote in an sms to me:

"during this time we will grow out of our feelings for each other.."

tears dropped the moment those words entered my mind. a feeling so deep, how is it possible that u say grow out of it den will be able to grow out of it? it realli saddens me alot.

grow out of our feelings.. :'(

i was thinking of getting out of the hse and go somewhere, perhaps a hotel, to stay so that i dun have to face my brother and feel so stressed abt things..

will u still offer to put me up at your hse and cook maggi mee for me, like how u did when my dad locked me out of the door one day after work, before we got tgr?

who knows, mebbe another gal is already lying on his bed. this sentence may seems insulting, but this is how i feel.. who knows? this is my blog. i write what i want. but of coz.. this is the one thing that i dun want to see..

i'm tired, i want rest.

will u pls let me explain it？please...

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last night was realli quiet, realli a silent night.

today is also realli quiet, quoting my bro it would be a "quiet christmas" .

realli feeling v moody. :'(

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还是那么爱，那么爱。。。

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yea... was stuck at the neighbourhood police post for 2 hours due a threat letter sent to me and a neighbour.. coz another neighbour living on the same floor got involve with loansharks..

first time in ten years that we received a letter like this.. it says if my neighbour doesn't pay up, they are gg to spray paint on our house..

as though they nv did tt before -.-

and so me and my affected neighbour went to make a police report.. due to some admin and communication error.. the officer who recorded our statements put it under my neighbour's name, and so i dun get to have a copy of the report.. and when he finished with my neighbour's report, it's time to pass over to the officer for the next shift.. when the officer for the next shift comes in, i tot that he look v young leh, like ard my age, but he's quite broad for his size (police ma, training i suppose?) .. den he come and stand beside the officer who is gg to knock off, and after seeing his name tag, i was like o.O

"alan shui" -.-

i feel so cursed with that name. i like keep encountering pple with this name lately.. one after another.. and it makes me think alot abt the v first one that i met :(

the letter states that they may come spray paint on our doors, but wat i'm worried abt is them doing other things such as trying to get foreign objects into the house through means that i have yet to think abt.. like trying to set up a fire or sth?

and i emphasize again, if such a situation happens and i din manage to get a pen and paper, pls convey my msg.. *learning to always prepare for the worse*

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quite glad that today has ended..

most of my 无厘头 papers are already over.. left with another two papers on next tues and wed.. and i will be free! for a while..

out of five papers this term, 3 are open book.. at first i was happie abt it.. but now i'm not sure if i still think the same o.O made me feel so lost.. zzz.. become like nv realli study for the subject..

today was studying in can A.. and i yawned. mebbe i yawned too hard or sth.. the inside of my right ear started to feel like there's a cramp.. and it travelled past the middle of my hand and reach the left side.. i was so afraid that the pain might get worse anytime and end me up in a stroke or sth.. at the instance, all that i tot of in my mind was to locate my pen or pencil, and if the pain realli persist and get worse, i will grab my pen/pencil and write down these before i collapse or sth:

alan i <3 u [write down his number]

i noe it's kinda disgusting, but that was the first thing that i tot of at that moment, in hope that he can somehow see it if something happen.. so now i'm blogging abt it to get prepared.. i mean, anything can happen to anyone at anytime isn't it?

feeling kinda tired today after the exams.. now waiting for my hair to dry and i'm gg to slp like a pig~~~

abt the thing that upset me so much, think i will blog abt it after exams ba.. no energy now haha..

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must there really be people, who appear now and then,

to rub salt on my wounds?

everytime when i seems to be less bothered by how i feel, some weird pple will sure pop up and stir everything up again..

it realli hurts u noe.. :'(

hate the feeling of trying to hold the tears back when my eyes are already filled

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heys shi yun~~ wanted to reply u on the tag board but i think i will start flooding it.. so tot that i will do a new post.. shun bian update all of u abt it...

i think i have decided that i'm gg to ignore that person..

firstly.. he irritated me on sms in the afternoon.. keep insisting that he want to meet me on sunday when i told him NO for 2 times.. i said i want to go out in grps, he say tt scares him, and he asked me back, why dun i want to go out with him alone, and i told him the same thing: it scares me. den he pretend that i did not refuse and asked me for a third time if can meet him on sunday.. den i ignored his SMSes.

at night i decided to log on MSN.. he appeared offline.. den he was like:

10/11/2009 23:28:43 xǝl ying ying hi hi
10/11/2009 23:28:44 xǝl ying ying ying ying right
10/11/2009 23:28:49 ying ying xǝl hi
10/11/2009 23:28:51 ying ying xǝl ya
10/11/2009 23:28:54 xǝl ying ying i smsed u today rite
10/11/2009 23:29:00 ying ying xǝl ya
10/11/2009 23:29:09 xǝl ying ying then u keep dont want to go out rite
10/11/2009 23:29:25 ying ying xǝl yes
10/11/2009 23:29:29 xǝl ying ying lol
10/11/2009 23:29:30 xǝl ying ying okay...

the way he talked irritated the hell out of me.. and i told him that i dun think many gals would want to go out alone with a guy that they acquainted for not even one week.. and he go "lol" i was like wtf.. realli wtf.. and i went offline :)

totally no respect for me..

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